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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899696">Federation standard (and I'm not talking about the language)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cool_ha_ha/pseuds/cool_ha_ha'>cool_ha_ha</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drug Use, Drugs, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Screenplay/Script Format, Smut, post WYLB</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:13:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,277</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899696</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cool_ha_ha/pseuds/cool_ha_ha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a serious case of Pissed Off on the station and Bashir has a cure.</p><p>Serious Garashir and Quodo</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Kira Nerys/Odo, Odo/Quark (Star Trek)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Federation standard (and I'm not talking about the language)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>B- Bashir, O- Odo, K- Kira, G- Garak, M- Miles, W- Worf, E-Ezri, J- Jadzia</p><p>Basically, the crew do drugs. Quark n Odo have a moment.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>B wanders through the station. K is giving W a run for his money at sparing. O is being particularly vicious with Q. E is currently mid argument with M. When B finally sits down with G, even G is on edge<br/>G: Where the hell have you been?<br/>B: What?<br/>G: I saw you staring at her. I get it. Just say were done already<br/>B: Done? G? I noticed my friends arguing, and now we are. Why is everyone so pissed off?<br/>G: You’re the doctor, you tell me<br/>B: I’d say we have a case of infectious mood. A social phenomenon<br/>G: Well done Sherlock, now how do you cheer up an entire station?<br/>B was genuinely trying to figure out if you can cheer up an entire station without sending all senior staff on holiday. When it hit him.<br/>B: G, I’ll be right back<br/>B ran off. G looked offended</p><p>B pulled M away from E.<br/>M: What?<br/>B: M, why are you pissed off?<br/>M: I’m not pissed off. E came barging in expecting me to drop everything-<br/>B: Just as I suspected. M, how do you feel about some federation standard and I’m not talking about the language<br/>M: Oh, Julian no... <br/>B: I’m just saying we could fix the whole station in one afternoon. That’s what it's there for<br/>M: It has been a while … Right. I’ll convince K. You convince O.<br/>B: On it<br/>B runs off again.</p><p>In O’s office<br/>O: No.<br/>B: Please?<br/>O: If not used correctly Federation standard can be very dangerous<br/>B: If not practiced with a medical professional<br/>O: But you’ll be involved<br/>B: We both know it doesn’t hinder judgement that much<br/>O huffs<br/>B: Please<br/>O: Has K agreed?<br/>B: Yes<br/>O: Then I’ll agree.</p><p>In K’s office <br/>K: No<br/>M: But B said-<br/>K: I don’t care what B said. There must be another way<br/>M: Are you saying you don’t trust your CMO?<br/>K: It's not that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust Federation standard<br/>M: What if O was in on it?<br/>K: I trust O to make the right decision<br/>M: Well B has convinced him that it’s the best possible option<br/>K: Then I shall agree.<br/>M: M to B<br/>B: Here, go ahead<br/>M: Its a yes</p><p>The invitation said staff meeting, no uniforms. The whole squad and G arrive<br/>E: Can I ask why we are meeting without our uniforms in O’s quarters, out of hours?<br/>B: As CMO of this station I can easily tell all of you to have a vacation, but since the grumpy behaviour is station wide, we are using a very old trick.<br/>B pulls out a box with cigarettes in it<br/>B: We also have edibles<br/>M looks excited<br/>G: Julian, humans haven’t needed nicotine in hundreds of years<br/>B lights up<br/>B: It’s not nicotine. It’s a strand of a drug we use on earth called cannabis.<br/>M: Once upon a time it was illegal and it had a hundred negative side effects<br/>O: I know this story. Eventually humans made one strand that was legal and safe and it could be prescribed for just about anything<br/>B took a drag and handed it to E who handed it to W<br/>B: Eventually people didn’t want it, so medical science took it and we only use it when there are no other options<br/>E: If it's not dangerous, why do only doctors have it?<br/>B: It can be tampered with and all those stronger strains will exist again<br/>W: I was recommended this in my youth.<br/>W took a drag and passed it to K<br/>W: It was to calm my Klingon aggression.<br/>O: Did it work?<br/>W: Unfortunately it did<br/>K sniffed it<br/>K: It doesn’t smell nice<br/>M: Think of it like medicine<br/>B: Did you want it as a brownie?<br/>E: Brownie?<br/>G: As in chocolate?<br/>B unveiled a plate. G immediately took one<br/>B: It also comes as a gummy<br/>E: I’ll do that one<br/>E takes a gummy bear from B and eats it<br/>K: How long does it take to kick in<br/>M: Give it half an hour<br/>O: I feel silly asking-<br/>B gives O a gummy<br/>B: It might work. I don’t know<br/>O takes the gummy<br/>The group sat on the floor.<br/>B: W? When you were prescribed it, how did you take it?<br/>W: An edible. I was told to take one before I was put in stressful situations<br/>M: Why’d you stop?<br/>W: I felt defenseless<br/>G: Probably should have asked earlier, but what are the side effects?<br/>W: Mellow mood<br/>B: Relaxed muscles<br/>M: Heightened sense of humor<br/>O: Slower response time<br/>K: Possible hallucinations<br/>B: Rare cases those<br/>G looks like he's going to panic<br/>G: Chocolate is my down fall once again<br/>E giggles and quickly covers her mouth. M starts to laugh. K follows, also covering her mouth<br/>O: What’s happening?<br/>B: Heightened sense of humor<br/>B sniggers. G stifles a laugh. G once again looks shocked<br/>G: I’m not in control of my own body<br/>M: You have to relax<br/>G: Why?<br/>B: Federation standard makes you release happy chemicals into your brain. You have to let it work or else you’re going to trip in the wrong direction<br/>E: So … it just makes you happy?<br/>W: No, it just makes you think you’re happy<br/>O: I still feel the same<br/>K: I’m … hungry. Like I know I’ve eaten but I’m really hungry<br/>M: Same<br/>B: That's another side effect<br/>E: I would also like some food<br/>O: Is the smoke necessary<br/>W giggles<br/>W: Hot box<br/>B, M and K laugh<br/>K: I don’t know why I’m laughing<br/>G is actually panicking<br/>G: What's a hot box?<br/>W, M and B laugh more<br/>B calms down<br/>B: It's a space with no ventilation that fills with the silly smoke.<br/>M: Even if you haven’t had any, you can still stay high<br/>E: Thats a good word for this. High.<br/>K: I’m very floaty… is it because I’m hungry?<br/>W: We need to order food<br/>B: Already sorted it<br/>There's a knock at the door<br/>O is the only person stable enough to answer it.<br/>O: Q?<br/>Q: O?<br/>Q looks around?<br/>Q: Oh my god, you’re having a sesh<br/>K: The food Q<br/>Q drags in a trolley with food on it<br/>The group slowly pick what they want<br/>Q: Are you guys hot boxing this room?<br/>G: I know that word<br/>G is red in the eyes and slowly getting closer to the ground<br/>Q: Can I join ya?<br/>E: Yes. B, give him a brownie<br/>O: No. Don’t give him a brownie<br/>M: Oohh, I hear grumpiness<br/>Q: Yeah because changelings can’t get high<br/>K: We’re testing a theory<br/>Q sits down. E hands him an ashtray with a blunt in it<br/>Q: What did you give him?<br/>B: Gummy<br/>Q sighs<br/>Q: There's no wonder its not working<br/>Q takes a drag and hands O the rest of it. O sits down with the group<br/>Q: You need it in your system not just in your body<br/>G starts laughing and crying. <br/>O: What do I do?<br/>Q: Breath it in .. or the equivalent of, in your case<br/>O reluctantly takes it and passes it back to Q. Q leans into E. E holds him.<br/>K: Food tastes amazing. I don’t even know what it is<br/>B: Starting to think Bajorans react strongly to it<br/>E: Did starfleet not test it on everybody?<br/>B: The only people who recorded a negative response were Vulcans and let's just say their opinion was bias<br/>Q: What, did it hinder their logic?<br/>E: Cannabis must fight with their emotion represent system<br/>M: I need a hug<br/>W cuddles him<br/>O: Oh my god, I can feel it<br/>Q: Knew it<br/>E: O, you’re changing colour<br/>O looks down. He is<br/>O: What do I do?<br/>B: Relax.<br/>O exhales. <br/>B: Don’t lose your shape<br/>O: I’m not- Oh. Yes I am<br/>O regains composure<br/>Q: Feel better?<br/>O stifles a smile. Q grins and starts giggling. O joins him.<br/>B has started eating. He and K are giggling at each other. G is now completely on the floor. Maybe he’s crying. B shoves something in his mouth. G starts crying again<br/>G: This tastes amazing<br/>O: Why are you sad G?<br/>G: I’m not sad<br/>G swallows the food in his mouth.<br/>G: I haven’t felt this happy in a long time<br/>Q goes back to the joint<br/>K angrily swallow her food<br/>K: Is he allowed two?<br/>Q: Smoke doesn’t stay in your system for as long<br/>M: And how would you know?<br/>Q: The Ferengi have their own federation standard<br/>K looks at O<br/>O: It’s expensive from what I hear<br/>Q: Very<br/>Q passes O the last bit of the spliff and giggles<br/>W: What isn’t legal on Ferenginar?<br/>O: Charity<br/>O, K, Q laugh<br/>O finishes it off and E passes him the ashtray<br/>Q: If it makes money, its legal<br/>W looks about asleep. B is stroking G’s hair. K is still filling her face and M is under W’s arm.<br/>Q looks up at E. E starts smiling and giggling again. Q gets even close to her. She embraces him further<br/>O: Is that a side effect?<br/>B: Huh? Oh, yeah all these are normal responses<br/>G: I love you<br/>B: Even that<br/>M: For god sakes tell him you love him back<br/>M looks like he’s going to cry<br/>B: I love you too G<br/>W: This is so emotional<br/>G starts crying again<br/>Q: Fucking Cardassians<br/>K is covered in cake. O stares at her. He shuffles over to her.<br/>Q: E, he’s gonna say it<br/>E: I’ll bet you a whole bar he doesn’t<br/>Q: Deal<br/>The whole room is zoned out. K smiles at O who has joined her at the food trolley. She offers him something. He doesn’t take it. She eats it instead. E and Q watch like a nature documentary<br/>O: K?<br/>K looks right at him.<br/>E and Q are invested now.<br/>He holds her face and drags her in for a kiss. He lets go. She keeps her eyes on him as he grabs another sausage roll. He starts giggling. She starts giggling. He pulls her in for a hug.<br/>E: He didn’t say it<br/>Q: What was that? MARRY HER ALREADY<br/>E: Cheater<br/>G: You’re giving me bad vibes<br/>B: Did you want a kiss G?<br/>G: Yes please<br/>B bobs down and kisses him.<br/>M: He’s gonna cry<br/>G starts crying<br/>W: Predictable<br/>E: Guys, I think I’m in love with Cannabis<br/>Q: You oughta try the stuff where I’m from<br/>W: Enlighten us Q<br/>B: Bull shit, you can even afford it<br/>Q: It's amazing what people will trade you when they need something. <br/>Q got cosy on E.<br/>Q: When I tried it, I cried, laughed, screamed, woke up naked with the dealer the next morning<br/>O: Bull shit<br/>Q: Nope. The stuff on Ferenginar is strong. Makes you happy, hungry, horny and hallucinate. Says so on the box<br/>E: What about never being afraid to mislabel a product?<br/>Q: Mislabeling products if for covering up imperfections.<br/>G: I’m an imperfection<br/>B: Sshhh<br/>B goes back to stroking G, who is still crying on B’s leg<br/>O: Is horny a side effect of Federation standard?<br/>M, W, K and E start laughing<br/>B: It varies from person to person<br/>K leans right into O. O stiffens like a board<br/>O: Tripping bad<br/>Q: Relax you square<br/>E: He’s a person at the moment<br/>B, G and M laugh<br/>O holds K. K starts falling asleep. O hold her close<br/>M: I love you W. You’ve always been such a good friend<br/>W: I miss Data<br/>M: Me too<br/>O is stroking K’s hair<br/>O: Who’s data?<br/>B: You mean what- Wait- No you had it right.<br/>G: The robot?<br/>W and M: ANDROID<br/>E: That sounds dangerous<br/>W: I feared on a daily basis that he would overpower the ship<br/>M: He did<br/>W: And there was nothing-<br/>M: Don’t cry. Wasn’t your fault<br/>W: I was in charge of security<br/>O laughs<br/>Q: Why would you have the strongest member of the crew NOT on security?<br/>B: He had an off switch<br/>W and M: HE WHAT?!<br/>B and O laugh<br/>Q: B, I don’t think it’s kicking in<br/>B: I’m not giving you any more<br/>E: It might kick in later<br/>O: I’m fucking buzzing right now<br/>G: I-<br/>B: Don’t you dare<br/>G:- … Okay<br/>M: Is K asleep?<br/>O looks down and back up with fear in his eyes<br/>O: What do I do?<br/>W: Nothing. The whole point is to relax<br/>O: I’m not relaxed anymore<br/>Q: Stop with the bad vibes. I’ll have her if-<br/>O held K tighter and gave Q a defensive look<br/>Q: Okay ...<br/>E: I’m sleepy too<br/>B: C, beam B’s saved program now<br/>The room lit up as a lot of things were beams in. G covered his eyes until it was over<br/>G: CUSHIONS<br/>G awkwardly grabbed the closest pillow and blanket<br/>Q: Sleep over?<br/>B: As CMO it would be ill advised to send you all home like this<br/>E: I love you<br/>B shook his head<br/>B: No you don’t<br/>O picked K up and took her to the bedroom<br/>M: Where you going?<br/>O: My house, I’m putting K in my bed<br/>W: Chivalry is not dead<br/>Q: But it's still creepy.<br/>G, B and Q laughed. O came back and put himself back on the floor with E and Q. Q fell into O. O hugged him back<br/>Q: I knew you had a thing for me<br/>O: This is probably why you ended up naked the last time<br/>E and G  laughed like idiots<br/>M: I didn’t hear a denial<br/>W wrapped a blanket around himself and M.<br/>E: Isn’t it illegal for a male to be naked on Ferenginar?<br/>O: No, its illegal for Ferengi men to be naked <br/>Q: If you get caught that is<br/>M: Then how do you ..- You know what, I don’t wanna know<br/>G: I do<br/>Q: Nobody said decent, just naked<br/>W: Naked with socks?<br/>Q: Legal<br/>B: Naked with a belt?<br/>Q: Illegal. Belt isn’t clothes, its accessories<br/>E and W laugh<br/>G: I like Federation standard<br/>E: Is it addictive?<br/>B: No, but people have been known to get reliant on it to feel happy<br/>G: Sounds familiar<br/>M: I like G better when he’s high<br/>Q: I like seeing O out of uniform<br/>W: Did I hear an innuendo?<br/>The group laugh<br/>O: Sshh, don’t wake K<br/>B: Pfsht. She needs a good rest. All the stressing she’s been doing<br/>E has a sudden realisation<br/>E: Do you remember why you were naked?<br/>Q went red<br/>Q: Yes, but I’d rather not talk about it<br/>W: You have no self control<br/>Q: I was stoned<br/>O: Oh my god you can be high and stoned at the same time .. but they are opposites<br/>E: Wwwooooaaahhhhh<br/>M: I don’t get frisky when I’m high<br/>B: I do<br/>G: Me too apparently<br/>O and E look at each other<br/>Q: O wouldn’t know<br/>O: Shut up Q<br/>E: Like an old married couple<br/>The rest of the group giggle<br/>E: J was sure you two were--<br/>Q and O look at each other<br/>G: I’d’ve put money on it<br/>Q: How much money?<br/>O: Q!<br/>The group continue to laugh<br/>The night goes on like this.</p><p>Most people ended up in their under clothes<br/>E fell asleep. B fell asleep under a blanket with G. M fell asleep on W under yet more blankets. Q remained awake on his own, in his underwear. He quietly lit another joint and enjoyed the very quick high that came with it.<br/>B and G are making noises. Q has a good guess at what's going on under the sheet. He walks off to the bedroom. K is asleep, O is in his bucket. Q taps the bucket with his foot. O falls out in full uniform. Q passes him the joint and sits on the floor with him. O takes a drag and breaths it like a normal person.<br/>Q tugs at O’s uniform. O shifts into normal clothes. Q shakes his head. O shifts into “underwear”. Q takes the blunt back. They share it away. Q leans on O. O accepts. Q looks up at O. O looks into his reddened eyes. Q leans up and kisses him quick on the lips. O looks angry and dives back in to do it properly. Q took a deep breath and took it.<br/>Q spun onto his knees and held his shoulders. O put Q on his back. They continued making out. Q moaned. O shushed him. Q nodded and they kept going. Q started shuffling out of his pants. O was about to ask. Q shushed him. O smashed their mouths back together. Q  used his leg to drag O’s crotch into his own. O shifted. Q gave O a begging look. O pushed in. Q struggled to stay quiet.<br/>Q: Yes<br/>O started moving. Q needed this. O was worried about waking K. Q was worried about G hearing and commenting tomorrow. O kept kissing him and increasing the speed. Q pulled him close and breathed heavily down O’s neck. It wasn’t long before it was over. O sat up. Q slowly caught his breath. O isn’t sure what just happened. Q sat up and pointed to the bathroom. O nodded but covered his lips with one finger. Q zipped his lips shut and took his pants to the bathroom.</p><p>The next morning.<br/>M woke up on W. G didn’t move until he could fully recollect the night before. B kissed him a good morning. E woke up covered in sausage roll… in her underwear. K emerged looking like a right mess. O also emerged from the bedroom, assessing the mess. Q was under the remaining blankets. He climbed out naked.<br/>G: Why are you naked?<br/>Q: I don’t know<br/>B: Bull shit<br/>O: Why are you naked?<br/>B and G blushed.<br/>K: Love you<br/>She gave O a kiss. Q wrapped himself up and looked for his clothes.<br/>W: Doctor, would you say we are cured?<br/>M: I feel MILES better<br/>The whole group laugh<br/>B: I’d say you’re all mellow enough to go back to work<br/>Everyone cheers and collects their stuff. B thanks O for using his room. Q lets everyone take anything left over from the trolley. K looks like she’s about to be sick. <br/>It's just O and Q left in the room.<br/>Q: So..?<br/>O: Yup.<br/>Q: Last night-<br/>O: I know I know. What do we do?<br/>Q: We keep quiet about it<br/>O: Oh<br/>Q: What?<br/>O: I thought you were going to offer to show me Ferengi cannabis<br/>Q: You said it yesterday, I can’t afford that<br/>O: I want to do that again and I’m paying for it<br/>Q: I can’t wait to see you tripping balls<br/>O: Doing what?<br/>Q: Turn of phrase… Did Dr M never try you on drugs?<br/>O: I lived with him during the occupation<br/>Q’s eyes lit up<br/>Q: I got some stuff I wanna see you try<br/>O looked worried</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Dope Space 9 ...<br/>Heh</p><p>Written for the laugh. Hope it made you laugh</p></blockquote></div></div>
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